If you are tired of running a never-ending marathon of trying to prove you are good enough to everyone, then let’s stop the race. You can change this.
The longest relationship you have in your life is with yourself. You spend more time with yourself than any other person and more time thinking about yourself than anyone else. Why not make that relationship healthy and great?
Think about all the qualities and requirements you want in a spouse or partner. Yes, you spend a lot of time with them and for many years, but not every single moment. That’s you with you. If you knew that you would have to spend every waking moment with your spouse, you’d make sure they were pretty f-ing awesome! Start requiring those qualities from yourself!
[It’s amazing what we tolerate from ourselves. And sad because it doesn’t have to be that way.]
Self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth all have the word self in them because this all has to start within. No one can do this for you.
I use the visual of building a fire when I am coaching clients on building their self-worth.
If you build a fire and put down a few big logs, pour some gasoline on it, and light it – it erupts into a large flame and then goes out quickly.
This is the life of perfectionism. You are constantly looking for those moments where you have done something – and others are recognizing you for it. This is a big dose of gasoline poured on your self-worth, but it disappears quickly, and then you’re on to the next thing that can light your fire.
To build a long-lasting fire, you have to put some smaller sticks underneath the triangle of big logs and light those twigs on fire first, and then the big logs catch on fire. You have to consistently feed it more kindling until the bigger logs light. You can add more big pieces of wood when the original logs burn and start to turn to embers – but the great thing is the foundation of hot embers stays there and builds upon itself.
When you learn to feed your fire and feed yourself kindling, then the compliments and recognition from the outside are internalized, stick, and add to your foundation. Much like the logs burn into embers, strengthening the foundation of the fire.
Our thoughts create our realities. You believe what you think. You’ve practiced having negative thoughts about yourself for many years. They are automatic at this point because you’re good at what you practice. But the good news is – our brain has the ability to be re-wired (neuroplasticity). This is why your mindset is so crucial.
You have to start acknowledging yourself and actively appreciating yourself. Out loud and on paper and with your inner dialogue. Focus on all of the items you did accomplish on your to-do list today – rather than the 2-3 things that are left. They are just moved to tomorrow’s docket. Or maybe they aren’t really a priority and you have a habit of adding as much as possible to your to-do list. (I’ve been guilty of that in the past!)
Allow yourself to feel and be connected to the sense of appreciation and gratitude when you give yourself praise, acknowledgment, and compliments.
The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.
At first, nothing is too small to praise. Lots of clients scoff when I tell them to praise all the small things such as doing the daily chores, paying bills on time, making dinner for the family. They say, “But that’s expected. That’s part of being an adult.”
Yes, and wouldn’t it feel nice to be appreciated and recognized for the multitude of things you do daily to keep your life and your family’s life running?
And that’s exactly my point – you minimize all the things you are doing and feel as though you have to wait until it’s something big to praise yourself for it.
One frequent complaint I hear from lawyers is they feel like all they are to the firm is billable hours and the results on cases don’t matter. This leads to frustration, anger, resentment, burnout, etc. Absolutely law firms can and need to do more to value their employees. That topic is for different blog posts.
If you currently work for a firm that seems to only focus on billable hours and there’s a lack of positive acknowledgment – START GIVING IT TO YOURSELF first. Then you won’t need it so much from external sources.
Write out an email with the thank yous or the great jobs, set it to send a day or two in the future, and then there will be a nice inbox surprise later in the week.. Yes, it would be great coming from your boss, but remember, you have to be your own best friend, your own best advocate, your own best parent, and your own best boss.
One of the most fulfilling aspects of coaching for me is to see people grow the foundation of their self-worth. You take back your power. You are confident, unshakable, and unstoppable.
If you’d like to ignite your fire, book a call and let’s chat!