Many lawyers come to me and they say things like “I am overwhelmed. There is not enough time. There’s too much to do. I can’t turn my brain off from work. I am always available for my clients and colleagues.”

I once had a lawyer tell me she prides herself on billing more hours per month than her partners and always being responsive to clients, even at midnight. She didn’t want the other partners to ever question her contribution or work ethic. Yet she was telling me she was stressed, anxious, couldn’t disconnect from work and be present, and it was starting to affect her life and marriage. Well, yes, I can see why that is happening.

Sure, I can give you different time management techniques. Or many other strategies for managing the stress and anxiety. I can give you boundary setting tools. I have lots of tools in my toolbox.

And those are all helpful in the long run. But if we don’t address the ROOT off the issue, then those strategies will be good for about 2 weeks and then you’ll go back to default operating mode. Because wherever you go, there you are. Meaning, you still think the same, interpret the world the same, and are operating the same way. Behavior change HAS to be accompanied by thought change. And if you want true transformational change, you have to start with thought change and rewire your brain. This is your superpower to achieving that life and career you love. Our thoughts lead to our feelings which lead to our actions and results. They are all connected.

When I coach clients, I always start with mindset and their relationship with themselves. Often high-achieving, type A, perfectionistic women have a very LOUD inner critic. They think that if they are hard on themselves, tell themselves to keep pushing and work harder, then they will have success and more importantly happiness. But when they come to me, they have low motivation, low energy, they are judging themselves for not having their shit together, can’t manage their time, and are wondering why they don’t feel happy. They are putting in a front for others, not wanting anyone to see a chink in their armor, and on the inside, they are completely depleted.

I start with changing their relationship with themselves. I ask them, “If your brain, the way you talk to yourself, was your supervising partner or manager, would you be motivated to come into work every day and do your best?”

There’s usually an aha moment here. This is critical. They realize they tolerate talking to themselves in a way they wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else. And even more, that voice is NOT motivating, supporting, or encouraging. Hence the anxiety, stress, and low energy/motivation.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it, the longest relationship you have in your life is with yourself.  In order to truly step into your power and build a solid foundation of worth for you to stand on, you have to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

We all have stories about ourselves that we’ve adopted over the years. They’ve been influenced by our parents, teachers, coaches, our peers, society, and the jobs we’re in.

THE ONLY REASON YOU BELIEVE THOSE STORIES IS BECAUSE YOU”VE BEEN PRACTICING THINKING THEM.

We are good at what we practice.  That’s it. And you’ve allowed other’s stories about you to become yours.

Children believe in Santa Claus because we have a story and narrative about this man who delivers presents. They hear the story enough, they believe it.

Same as your stories. They’ve become automated and we don’t stop to a) pay attention to what is swirling around up there, and b) stop and ask, is this true? Is this serving me? You HAVE to be your own best friend, your own cheerleader, the believer in your dreams, the person who pats you on the back, and have an unwavering belief that you CAN achieve success and happiness.  I remember the moment I had this epiphany myself. Long before graduate school and a masters in counseling.

I wanted to go to an out of state college my freshman year, but I didn’t get that wish until my sophomore year. I wanted to move to a place where no one knew me. Fresh start. Reinvent myself. On the drive to Virginia, I remember being so excited about the possibilities that lay before me. I was thinking about how I could do yoga, and all the friends I would make, and this person I would become. Fast forward a couple months later into my sophomore year and things were not turning out how I envisioned. Because I followed me on that move. And didn’t change any of the ways I saw myself or thought about myself.

I was having a pity party one day in my condo that had this ugly mauve carpeting. I remember it vividly. I was standing there thinking about how difficult this was, how my friends back home never called to check on me and they didn’t care, wondering why it was hard for me to make friends. And then this loud voice came and slapped me across the face and said, “Emily, you wanted this. You asked for this. You wanted to move to a new place and step outside your comfort zone. Here you are. You have to be your own cheerleader, no one else is going to do it for you.”  It was a lightbulb moment that started to transform how I talked to myself. I grew up in a house where nothing was ever good enough, so I adopted a critical mindset towards myself and others.

I’ve had to believe in my dreams and my success. When I opened my private practice, I couldn’t listen to others who doubted or worried. I’ve had people ask, “Weren’t you worried it would fail?” No. Success was the only option. I have to have unwavering belief in my ability to build this coaching business, even if others doubt it. I have to cheer myself on and encourage myself on the slow days or in tough times. Because building a business is a long-game with many difficult days.

So, in a world where we can’t control 98% of the things that happen, the good news is we CAN control how we think and how we feel about ourselves. The other good news is the plasticity of the brain and we can generate new neural pathways. 67 days. Neuroscience shows us this.

We must FEED the brain what we want it to believe. We must tell it what the new stories are.  YOU Get to decide what those stories are. If you keep adopting how others see you, you will continue to be stuck.

On this checklist, there are nightly prompts to start talking to yourself differently. The first one is, “Today I am proud of myself for accomplishing:”  This is an easy one, a home run for you. We can all identify something we accomplished. Challenge for most high-achievers is they focus on what they did not get done on a daily basis. I don’t want you to minimize things, either. Nothing is too small. Even if it is “making the three beds in my house this morning.” I have clients who say, “Yeah, but isn’t that just part of being an adult?” Yes, and, wouldn’t it be great to receive some acknowledgement and appreciation for everything you ARE doing?

The second one is, “Today I am proud of myself for showing up with:” and this is related to values or personality characteristics. I want you to start seeing yourself more as a whole person and how you show up in the world rather than just what you do for others. An example of this could be, “I am proud of myself for showing up with patience this morning on the get-out-the-door-on-time routine when my daughter was being a 4-year-old and taking her sweet time.”

There are five others and an affirmation at the end: Tonight, I will go to sleep knowing I am enough. That my value on this earth is not defined by my hustle, my accomplishments, or what I can do for people.

It IS possible to practice law and have low stress and anxiety and love your life  (I am not promising NO stress & anxiety – that’s unrealistic and my other tools teach you how to manage that). It does take work and you have to start with you.  

I encourage you to download it and start using it as a nightly prompt to start rewiring your brain. I’d love for you to screen shot it and tag me in your IG stories and let me know how it’s going. Or send me an email and I will respond.

Start feeding your fire! I believe in you.

P.S. Do you want to start practicing law with less stress, anxiety, and more calm, confidence, and clarity? Let’s chat. Book a Discovery Call.